Back To School

 

It’s not so much that I’m ready for my kids to be back in school as it is that I’m ready for the routine for us all. I’m ready for the quiet time at home for work. I don’t want to be ready for these things. In a perfect world, I’d be the one spending the long, lazy days of summer with my kids, fossil hunting in our back yard; gathering sticks and drift to make crafts and mandalas, reading and cooking and learning about the world around us at our own pace.

As it is, they are here with a nanny, doing amazing things with her all day while I try to keep my focus on work and the ever growing pile of emails and projects. They are here and my frustration grows – with the activity and noise that blows my focus, with the mountain of work that seems to only grow more insurmountable, with the tiny bits and pieces of time I have with them where dinner and baths and laundry and commitments need to be tended, with the desperate longing to be the one baking and building and discovering with them.

So my frustration comes out at them and it hurts. It hurts me and it hurts them. I sit quietly at night and try to focus on the bright spots of the day instead of silently crying for the many many times I messed up. I sit and desperately shove all my resolve into the basket of ‘tomorrow.’ Tomorrow I will not raise my voice a single time. Tomorrow I will smile and joke and laugh more. Tomorrow, I will take time to dance before starting dinner. Tomorrow I will let go a little more and let the little bits of time that I do have evolve naturally and contentedly.

Today I’m learning little by little. I raise my voice less. I smile more. I am more conscious of taking small moments of time to connect over Legos, a book, listening to music together or finding something for them to do in the kitchen to help with dinner (using a paring knife is a new favorite). Today I learn little by little that even in mid-yell I can stop and take a deep breath and soften my face and change my tone. I can teach by example.

Today I am imperfect. I can teach that imperfect is ok.

Today, I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the house will be quiet next week and I long for a tomorrow where we return to school, sun-kissed and full of the togetherness of summer. 

Happy School Year, Everyone!

Forty Six

Today I begin the journey into my forty-sixth year. Because I love nothing as much as a list, last year, I started a 50X50 list of fifty things I'd like to do/accomplish by the time I turn 50. Today only leaves me four years to do those things. As I read back thru the list, I wonder a little at the wisdom of including some items, but I left them anyway.

I think I only got up to about thirty-something last year, so I've rounded out the list and haven't gotten very far on checking things off. Here it is below. What are some of your 'bucket list' items?

1. Build a regular blog
2. Start an Etsy shop
3. Dive at the Great Barrier Reef or visit the Galapagos Islands (provided it is financially possible!)
4. Get out of debt
5. Learn to play tennis (with Ray)
6. Help my kids develop and complete a service project
7. Learn to screen print
8. Become comfortable in my body
9. Really work toward getting my body healthy
10. Get a tattoo
11. See Al Green Preach
12. Take my kids to a bluegrass festival
13. Hike in Big Bend
14. Stay up for more than 3 seconds on water skis
15. Cook a prime rib
16. Pull a skier on the boat - done
17. Finish my book
18. Be able to do Wheel again – with grace
19. Get the children’s books that are in my head onto paper and out to publishers - finished one and sending.
20. Maintain an organic garden thru an entire summer
21. Travel for a year with the kids
22. Renew my yoga practice
23. Simplify my stuff - work in progress
24. Simplify my life (this one is loaded and probably needs much more definition!)
25. Regularly practice random acts of kindness – have it be part of my everyday thoughts
26. Be kind to myself without thinking about it
27. See the Grand Canyon
28. See Orcas in their natural home
29. Buy a quarter side of humanely raised beef
30. See the fireflies in the Great Smokey Mtns in TN
31. Take a road trip with my mom
32. Learn to knit (it may not be possible!!!)
33. See Asleep at the Wheel in concert
34. Take my kids to a bluegrass festival (this one is listed twice – it must be important)
35. Teach the boys yoga
36. Make daily meditation a priority - work in progress
37. Give up the foods that make me sick
38. Catch up my nieces’ and nephews’ journals
39. Start journals for my boys
40. Make my house a haven
41. Make a dream catcher
42. Make a wedding photo album for Kyle - started
43. Get my family photos into albums for the boys - started
44. Try stand up paddleboarding
45. Build something with power tools – by myself
46. Visit Palo Duro Canyon
47. Ride in a hot air balloon
48. Help build a tree house for my boys
49. Update my living will
50. Be on track for a comfortably amazing retirement