unexpected blessings

oops - sorry little fish

i've had 4 or 5 posts swirling around in my head lately, but i need to share this past weekend first. we had a tough week last week - things didn't turn out as expected on multiple levels. topics for another post on expectations!

late in the week, k-daddy reminded me that we were supposed to camp with friends on saturday night. i stomped my internal foot and whined my internal whine and rolled my terrible eyes and gnashed my terrible teeth, but put a pleasantly surprised look on my face and said 'oh, i'd forgotten. glad you reminded me.' saturday rolled around and after swimming lessons, k-daddy fed the boys lunch and launched for the lake. he'd been out on friday to set everything up. mama stayed home to pack food, get a few groceries and meet the boys at the campsite.

when i arrived at camp, everything was so quiet. everyone but k-daddy was asleep, the lake lapped gently at our feet, the afternoon sun cast soothing shadows on the campsite and i was instantly able to exhale for the first time all week. ahhhh. i'm going to give you a moment to close your eyes and imagine sunshine dappling thru the trees, birds singing, water lapping gently, and the quiet quiet quite of the world except the sounds of ahhhh - leaves rustling in the breeze, something scuttling thru the underbrush. we were even inspired to whisper. we put the cold stuff in the cooler and left the rest to hustle about after everyone awoke. we sat at the water's edge and reverently watched a bird sitting on a post do nothing - for nearly 1/2 an hour. we didn't plan or lament or discuss schedules or budgets or parenting tips and tricks. we mostly just watched that bird and held hands.

the entire weekend was very healing for our family. it involved casual feasts spread across a battered picnic table, piles of potato chips, soccer, football, wading, catching fish with bare hands, building immunity with unwashed hands on peanut butter sandwiches, bugs, leaves, fedders, rocks, shells, bare feet, skinny bare chests, water guns and lots of giggles and kisses.

there would have even been cake, without reserve but alas, the cake didn't survive the wildlife. the first would-be cake thief arrived around 3AM. i heard the telltale shuffling and scuffling and heard the cake carrier as it tumbled off the table and onto the ground. shining my flashlight out of the tent, i saw the bold masked bandit hovering around the picnic table, running off only when a water bottle was launched his direction. the next morning, the cake was over taken by large black ants, who would have carried it off in one piece if not for the pesky cake carrier. so, cake may not be the best camping treat. oreos seemed to heal the hurt of losing the cake!

i almost forgot the best part of the trip, there wasn't enough room on the boat for everyone on sunday, so the 3 dads took the 5 life-jacketed kids out for a spin while mama martyred herself to a chair in the sun at the campsite. i'd nearly forgotten how lovely it is to simply sit and soak up the sun - positively addictive. i couldn't believe my luck as i propped my feet on a kid camp chair, slid down low in my seat and closed my eyes. talk about exhaling! i rejuvenated enough to exercise my mama 6th sense to get up and start lunch that was ready just as a boat full of hungry boys pulled back up to the bank.

 when have you truly exhaled lately?

healthy body healthy mind - chard

ok - looks like i took a 2 week savasana! i hope you practiced this sustaining pose at least once while i was away.

as i admired my lunch yesterday i started thinking about the food/fuel that we put into our bodies and how difficult it is to change those patterns once they are established. my 3 and 5 year old children have already established habits that are proving extremely difficult to break. imagine how difficult it is to make new habits at 42. my lunch yesterday was so beautiful, i tried to take a few photos of it for you, but they turned out terrible, so you will have to trust me on its beauty!

i heated a little olive oil on med-high heat and tossed in some chopped swiss chard. i only left it in a minute before removing it and tossing in some mushrooms and a few slices of smoked sausage (ok, the sausage wasn't the best choice but i was working with whatever wasn't frozen). when i got it all on the plate, the chard just made my mouth water - its deep green color with nearly purple veins running thru. it was amazingly delicious and is making my mouth water right now!

kyle and i have decided to go wheat free. kyle may go full 'paleo' but i have to pick my battles. i have a habit of going whole hog on some new thing for about a minute and then falling off the wagon almost immediately because it's too much change at once - budgeting, organization, food. so, my goal right now is to remove wheat from my diet (mostly). i've been reading quite a bit lately about wheat and its effects on the body. they are not good! i started this quest about a month and 1/2 ago. the first 3 weeks i did great and started feeling better almost immediately! i had more energy and i slept better. but i got tired and lazy and went back to what was familiar, so i'm back on the wagon now and plan to keep it up this time.

if you see me at The Diner with a big 'ole pancake on my plate, look the other way. i'm giving myself 1 meal/week to eat what i want. i don't have celiac disease, so a pancake won't send my digestive tract into the throes of distress, therefore i will enjoy a little splurge unless my body protests.

if you want to join me on this journey, i suggest that you read the book wheat belly by william davis.

hump day pose: savasana

don't ask me how he ended up wearing these boxers. this dog never ceases to amaze me!

i've been waiting to release this post until i could get a photo to post. i don't have one, i'm sorry. every inch of my home is full. the rooms are dark, my camera is older and i don't know how to do cool light tricks. i don't really want pictures of myself, i can't post pictures of my kids, and k and i are not in the same room long enough to talk about who will pose and who will snap. So, there it is - my excuse train leaving the station. let's move on to savasana. banjo does a great savasana.

savasana (shah-VAH- sah-na): Corpse Pose; Deep Relaxation
the most important part of your yoga class. the one you or your peers may chronically skip out on. [blatant opinion warning] one of the biggest misses by some yoga teachers (apart from safety instruction).

your body tends to cool during deep relaxation, so you may wish to grab your socks and/or something to cover up with.

lie on your back, feet just wider than hip width, letting your feet roll out to the sides if they want; arms at your sides or out a little from your sides, palms up; close your eyes. if your lower back feels crunched, draw your knees into your chest, curling your pubic bone in toward your spine briefly before releasing the back of the hips back to the floor and stretching the legs back out. if you still feel a crunch in your low back, bend your knees, place your feet at the outside edges of your mat and let your knees drop toward each other. you could also place your hands on your belly if you are more comfortable this way.

if you feel exposed, or vulnerable lying like this, it can help to place your hands on your belly, or drape something across your hips.

take a deep breath and as you exhale, give the weight of your body to the floor.

now for the hard part - relax. give yourself to lying here for 5 minutes at first. you should very quickly stretch this time to 10 minutes and then 15 or 20. it can take a full 10 minutes for your body and mind to settle into this relaxation, so less than 10 minutes is a nice rest, but is not savasana.

don't give up. this could take some time. the most important thing is to keep trying. you can imagine relaxing every muscle in your body from head to toe. you can imagine sinking into a hot bath, starting with your toes and slowly working your way up your body. you can use a mantra - even something as simple as thinking 'when i inhale i let go, when i exhale i release.'

set a timer. give it a go. you could even search for savasana on youtube to see if you could get a recording of a guided relaxation. let me know in the comments how you did.

namaste,
brandye

when the student is ready: you can do hard things

hard thing: 60 miles in 3 days - Komen 3-day for a cure - walk to fight breast cancer

i can't believe it's friday already and i haven't posted yet! where does the time go? without further ado:

buddha says that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

for years i believed this to mean that my guru would whisk me away to enlightened-dom in the peaceful, chanting bliss of an ashram in india or indonesia, or somewhere equally as ancient and meditate-y. i just knew i was headed for enlightened greatness when my yoga teacher asked me to join a teacher training program with her esteemed teacher. my teacher had appeared, my life would take a drastic turn and viola! i'd be - well something different than what i was before. 

ahh - young grasshopper - the key to this teaching is that the student must be 'ready,' meaning the student must be ready to recognize and accept teachings in all forms from teachers of all shapes and sizes. what i'd failed to recognize is that i'd had many, many teachers. i just had never paid heed to their lessons, lost as i was in searching for something more.

today, i launch the inaugural post in the 'when the student is ready' series. this series will explore my teachers in all their forms. hopefully this series will also help raise your awareness of the teachers in your life.

i have a whole slew of teachers that i cannot wait to esteem in the 'pages' of this blog. first and foremost is my 5-year-old son. he is so like me in so many ways and i cannot count the times that a piece of advice or instruction has come out of my mouth and i wonder if i'm saying it to him or to me.

this week has been an emotional one for me regarding this blog and other things i want for my life and for my kids. i want to be here for them more and spend more time with them. god knows, i'm not at all interested in home schooling, but i'd like to have them home with me a little more - even being able to pick them up at traditional school let out time - 3PM instead of rushing them out the door every morning and rushing them thru dinner/bath/bed in the evenings when they get home and i get off work.

if you've known me very long, you know that i've always dreamed of striking out on my own and doing something. but i've always frozen myself with fear whenever i think too seriously about it. this week has been one of those weeks of thinking/planning/dreaming/freezing.

last night, while i was fixing dinner, said 5-yr-old was putting together a puzzle he got for his birthday. it is a puzzle with 48 pcs, and it's a hologram - seriously! he kept asking for help and i kept telling him that i'd help him after dinner, but that he should keep trying because he was doing a great job (it's a super hard puzzle). "it's too hard!" he whined. i stopped, knelt down beside him and said "but you can do hard things." not sure how much it helped him, but as i got up, that voice inside my head that i don't listen to often enough repeated my words back to me.

now i will repeat them to you:

you can do hard things
you can do hard things
you can do hard things
i can do hard things
i can do hard things
i can do hard things
we can do hard things
we can do hard things
we can do hard things

please comment, email me or shoot me a message on facebook. tell me one hard thing you've done. i'd like to compile a celebration list.

my boy

my boy - he is 5 today.

i wish i could give you a glimpse of this beautiful, bright-eyed 5-yr-old who is so dear to my heart, but I cannot. legally, he is not mine, tho i soothe his hurts and celebrate his victories with him. legally he is not mine, tho i treat his fevers and rub his back at night to push away the nightmares. legally, he is not mine tho i agonize over what i can feed him that will nourish his growing body and that he will like. legally, he is not mine tho i cried his first morning in pre-k. he looked so small, marching off to school with his massive backpack drooping to his knees, so proud of himself. i love it when he is proud of himself. i love it when he finds positive things to say about himself. i love it when we are able to celebrate the wonder and beauty of him together, without his insecurities sneaking in, telling him that he is unlovely. perhaps that is what makes him so special to my heart. i know many of his demons well. they are the same voices that have dogged me my entire life.

legally, he is not mine, tho our minds and hearts work very much the same. legally he is not mine, tho i go to bed every night, worrying about how he and i can release our fears together and walk bravely into the unknown and embrace the experience - without trying to conform the world to our expectations and safety requirements.

my boy - he is 5 today.

the world seems to shrink around him as his clothes become too small, and his chair at the table shrinks. even i am beginning to shrink to allow his head to move up up up my side. it cannot be that he is growing this fast. i'm not ready for it. he will be tall. i can only hope that he will continue to grow and shrink my home, under my roof. i can only hope that his long legs will outgrow my bathtub and that as his voice begins to deepen in years to come, that mine will be the ears to hear that first croak of puberty.

my boy - he is 5 today.

his brother is 3. his, beautiful, funny, smart, passionate brother, who has no pretense about him turned 3 one month ago. at the time, i was in the throes of recovering from the holidays, recovering from bronchitis, caring for my sick big boy, planning and executing a 50th birthday party, and trying to enjoy my visiting family. we loved and celebrated his milestone surrounded by the warm blanket of family. every week, he is a different boy, with different needs. he is fearless and independent tho at times, he is still just a baby who needs a mommy and a daddy. during those times, as i hold him close to my heart that has become his, or when i watch my man patiently whispering calming words and soothing sounds, with a face full of no one but our tiny boy, i fancy that he truly is my boy and that this mess has gone away, to leave my family in peace.

my boy - he is 5 today. happy birthday my sweet boy! We love you mucho!

namaste
brandye

less is more

there was a shooting at our mall on saturday.

we were driving by and saw a crowd in the parking lot along with several police cars. we figured it was some kind of police safety event. we didn't find out til later that evening, while watching the news that it was a shooting.

a 23 year old young man, who would be a father in 4 months had been killed. he wasn't even involved in the original fight, he went outside to support his friend. the fight was over something one guy tweeted to another guy's girlfriend. things like this are so senseless. a young man lost his life, an unborn child lost his father, a mother lost her son, and on and on, for absolutely no reason.

there is so much debate and emotion and passion on all sides right now about gun violence and what to do about it. one side wants more guns "fight fire with fire;" the other side wants fewer of the bad guns and less of the bad ammo.

i have to admit that i don't believe that more people carrying guns in the mall or in schools, or anywhere is the answer. there are so many nuances to the gun laws and so many things that i think are right and so many things i think are wrong, but on the topic of gun violence in our society, i think that the wrong things are being debated.

i think the bigger issue is the violence bombarding our kids ever day. this exposure is desensitizing our kids to violence and on some level to death as a result of violence. i try to protect my kids a bit from violence, but i don't want to over-shelter them. they did have lives before they came to us, so they were exposed to so much in that setting that shocks me when i hear about it, so we are starting from behind, but i will continue to work toward reversing those tendencies.

toy guns are not allowed in our house - not because i'm morally opposed to guns, but because guns are not toys. if the kids wanted to go hunting (at an appropriate age) with my father-in-law and brother-in-law, i'm fine with that. i'm fine with them learning responsible use of guns. i'm not even opposed to having a gun for self defense. but when you see 2 and 4 year olds pointing guns and making shooting noises with their mouths and when a 4 year old points his finger at you to shoot (not maliciously, just as part of play), it's sobering.

there was so much talk of shooting and killing and cutting heads off in our house, we started talking about the reality of what happens when you do those things; people die and they don't come back, or people get hurt really really badly - AND we've banned power rangers and other similar cartoons that end up being a fight-fest. there is a noticeable difference in our kids when they watch those. sometimes, we allow them because you can't shelter your kids from everything, but for the most part, all things violent are banned in our home. and you know what, when they are watching educational cartoons, they don't miss the others. there is so much excitement in our house on sunday mornings when it's time for dinosaur train.

so my thought is, let's try to protect our childrens' minds and hearts from violence. of course we try to protect them from physical violence, but let's go one step further and protect their tiny minds from violence. less is more when it comes to exposure to violence.

less exposure to violent cartoons
fewer violent toys
less tolerance for violent play
less violent talk

let's teach our kids about how super heroes help people and focus less on how they fight the bad guys. let's say no to violent video games. let's say no to violent movies. let's work to build beautiful little minds that grow up to be beautiful big minds that conceive of solutions and cures and beauty rather than minds that even consider it a remote possibility to use a gun to resolve a silly argument.

more gun laws are not the answer - committing to starting with change in our homes is the answer.

namaste,
brandye

crickets

i have been terribly, awfully, hopelessly remiss! i sent a ton of christmas/new year's letters with my blog address, driving friends and family to my blog and then i completely disappeared. silence. nothing.

my deepest apologies.

as you may know, through a fostering agency, we welcomed two little boys into our home last march. they promptly started pre-school/day care and the 3 of us (k-daddy excluded) started getting sick. since last march, i have been sick approximately every 3 weeks. in addition to being a new mom of 2 very high-spirited little boys, and all of the emotional ups and downs that go with fostering. i won't/can't go into detail about the boys and our/their situation - it is not mine to tell at this time. but my point is - i'm exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally.

i have been sick approximately 3 times since christmas. my body is beaten - i am not eating or acting healthy in any way. i want to eat good, healthy food and i want to exercise. but i find myself so tired and heavy that all i can muster is the bare minimum. the only part of my body that has remained remotely in shape is my mid-abs from coughing. i'm not being a good wife, friend, housekeeper, blogger or mother. i don't have the energy to take action on my new year's resolutions. i'm just getting over being sick again, my man is sick now and i'm stuck. i just want to cry.

i have nothing to offer you right now, no words of wisdom, no pose instruction, no book reviews and no bad photos - only whining.

but here is my compromise - how about i commit to three times/week instead of daily. when i get the hang of that, i'll expand from there. i also commit to trying to take and include better pics.

i hope you and your family are well. feel free to post your whines here if you need to - i'll listen and even sympathize. sometimes, that's all it takes.

namaste
brandye

resolutions

kite flying between christmas and new year's. the dogs were just happy to run!

i'm back - sorry i was gone for so long. i'll likely not show up over the weekend either. i've got to find a rhythm to this thing. stick with me while i get my feet under me.

i always balk at how cheesy 'making resolutions' sounds, so i spent years setting goals for the new year. i'd list a number (way too many) of goals and then break them down into bite-size pieces and measurable smaller goals along the way. sounds good in theory - except it didn't work any better than making resolutions did.

lose 50 lbs
work out 3 times/week
walk dogs 5 times/week
yoga 2 time/week (outside of teaching)
redo kitchen
pay off 10% of debt (we were actually able to accomplish this one and doubled the % we paid off - yay!)

it looked something like that - probably similar to everyone else's. i'd spend a mountain of time on them and then promptly forget them. so i'm trying a different path this year. my resolutions are more conceptual and less concrete. the first one covers so many areas of my life:

• less talking - more doing
• fly more kites 
• reconnect with myself (creatively, listen to more music, introduce my kids to music that i love, get back in the swing of friday nights in the kitchen with my kids, cooking at home, composting, and voting with my dollars)
• get this blog off the ground and challenge myself to grow it past my comfort zone this year
• get outside more with my family
• be present

these are all big for me. what were some of your resolutions/goals/anti-resolutions? perhaps sharing them will hold you accountable. 

namaste,

brandye