Friday, August 19, 2016

Back To School


It’s not so much that I’m ready for my kids to be back in school as it is that I’m ready for the routine for us all. I’m ready for the quiet time at home for work. I don’t want to be ready for these things. In a perfect world, I’d be the one spending the long, lazy days of summer with my kids, fossil hunting in our back yard; gathering sticks and drift to make crafts and mandalas, reading and cooking and learning about the world around us at our own pace.

As it is, they are here with a nanny, doing amazing things with her all day while I try to keep my focus on work and the ever growing pile of emails and projects. They are here and my frustration grows – with the activity and noise that blows my focus, with the mountain of work that seems to only grow more insurmountable, with the tiny bits and pieces of time I have with them where dinner and baths and laundry and commitments need to be tended, with the desperate longing to be the one baking and building and discovering with them.

So my frustration comes out at them and it hurts. It hurts me and it hurts them. I sit quietly at night and try to focus on the bright spots of the day instead of silently crying for the many many times I messed up. I sit and desperately shove all my resolve into the basket of ‘tomorrow.’ Tomorrow I will not raise my voice a single time. Tomorrow I will smile and joke and laugh more. Tomorrow, I will take time to dance before starting dinner. Tomorrow I will let go a little more and let the little bits of time that I do have evolve naturally and contentedly.

Today I’m learning little by little. I raise my voice less. I smile more. I am more conscious of taking small moments of time to connect over Legos, a book, listening to music together or finding something for them to do in the kitchen to help with dinner (using a paring knife is a new favorite). Today I learn little by little that even in mid-yell I can stop and take a deep breath and soften my face and change my tone. I can teach by example.

Today I am imperfect. I can teach that imperfect is ok.

Today, I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the house will be quiet next week and I long for a tomorrow where we return to school, sun-kissed and full of the togetherness of summer. 

Happy School Year, Everyone!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Forty Six

Today I begin the journey into my forty-sixth year. Because I love nothing as much as a list, last year, I started a 50X50 list of fifty things I'd like to do/accomplish by the time I turn 50. Today only leaves me four years to do those things. As I read back thru the list, I wonder a little at the wisdom of including some items, but I left them anyway.

I think I only got up to about thirty-something last year, so I've rounded out the list and haven't gotten very far on checking things off. Here it is below. What are some of your 'bucket list' items?

  1. Build a regular blog
  2. Start an Etsy shop
  3. Dive at the Great Barrier Reef or visit the Galapagos Islands (provided it is financially possible!)
  4. Get out of debt
  5. Learn to play tennis (with Ray)
  6. Help my kids develop and complete a service project
  7. Learn to screen print
  8. Become comfortable in my body
  9. Really work toward getting my body healthy
  10. Get a tattoo
  11. See Al Green Preach
  12. Take my kids to a bluegrass festival
  13. Hike in Big Bend
  14. Stay up for more than 3 seconds on water skis
  15. Cook a prime rib
  16. Pull a skier on the boat - done
  17. Finish my book
  18. Be able to do Wheel again – with grace
  19. Get the children’s books that are in my head onto paper and out to publishers - finished one and sending.
  20. Maintain an organic garden thru an entire summer
  21. Travel for a year with the kids
  22. Renew my yoga practice
  23. Simplify my stuff - work in progress
  24. Simplify my life (this one is loaded and probably needs much more definition!)
  25. Regularly practice random acts of kindness – have it be part of my everyday thoughts
  26. Be kind to myself without thinking about it
  27. See the Grand Canyon
  28. See Orcas in their natural home
  29. Buy a quarter side of humanely raised beef
  30. See the fireflies in the Great Smokey Mtns in TN
  31. Take a road trip with my mom
  32. Learn to knit (it may not be possible!!!)
  33. See Asleep at the Wheel in concert
  34. Take my kids to a bluegrass festival (this one is listed twice – it must be important)
  35. Teach the boys yoga
  36. Make daily meditation a priority - work in progress
  37. Give up the foods that make me sick
  38. Catch up my nieces’ and nephews’ journals
  39. Start journals for my boys
  40. Make my house a haven
  41. Make a dream catcher
  42. Make a wedding photo album for Kyle - started
  43. Get my family photos into albums for the boys - started
  44. Try stand up paddleboarding
  45. Build something with power tools – by myself
  46. Visit Palo Duro Canyon
  47. Ride in a hot air balloon
  48. Help build a tree house for my boys
  49. Update my living will
  50. Be on track for a comfortably amazing retirement

Friday, December 18, 2015

Angels Among Us

I am surrounded by angles – beautiful, loving, caring, giving angels.

These aren’t people who give forty five billion dollars away over the course of their lifetimes (tho we need those angels too). They are people like you and me who have been in a hard spot and vow to help others out. They are the people who organize in an instant to help when called upon. They are the people who go out of their way to say a kind word or extend a kind gesture without needing to post it all over social media. They are the people who sometimes look at their bank accounts and think “oh crap”, but they give anyway because there is someone more desperately in need.

These angles have gathered throughout my life. Sometimes I’m the recipient of their blessings and sometimes I’m helping them bless others. They teach me and inspire me and lift me up. At times I am untouchable, so insulated I am by these heavenly creatures.

I am surrounded by angels and I’m so fortunate they let me fly with them. 

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Christmas Magic

Images from Christmas 2014

“Mom, I know you and dad are Santa, and you’re the one who does the elf,” said my 7 (almost 8) year old getting off the bus one day last week. My heart shattered into a million pieces. For a moment, I panicked and wanted to lie, to hold on tight to the magic and not let the reality of growing up snatch that thread of innocence. I wanted it for me. But for him? Isn’t discovering the card up the sleeve all part of feeling a little more grown up – whether I’m ready for it or not?

In a casual conversation later, I asked him what he wanted to believe. I never gave a straight answer. I said that Santa is about magic and that it’s ok to hang onto that magic as long as he wants. It doesn’t matter how the presents get there or whether the elf flies to the North Pole every night. What matters is how it makes us feel to believe. Conspiratorially I told him he doesn’t have to tell his friends what he believes or doesn’t believe. At home, we can experience the magic together. I did ask him to discuss it with me and not with his brother for whom Santa is as real as you and me. “Let’s let everyone keep experiencing the magic in their own way,” I suggested.

I know he took away the message that Santa’s not real and that Daddy and I make it all happen (stupid big boy on the bus!). And that’s ok – it’s all part growing up and becoming his own person which is ultimately our goal as parents.

But this morning. .  . This morning magic happened.

The tree is up and lights are on, but we are waiting til we can all be home together to get it decorated. When the tree goes up, the Elf comes out. I tucked Aza into the tree’s branches yesterday morning, expecting the kids to find him right away.

It was on our way out the door this morning that Ray spotted him.

“THE ELF!” he shouted. “He’s here! He’s here!”

Gone was the doubt. Forgotten was any care over who, where or why. We walked out into the crisp morning. Ray took a deep breath and said “Smell that mom? It’s Christmas. You can smell candy canes in the air.”

Grow up, my boy. Grow into your own person. Discover your world and develop your-self. But not too fast. Keep the magic for as long as you can. And when you lose it for a little while (as we all do), remember – it will come back. It will come back with a vengeance. It will come back with such beauty it burns your eyes and makes your heart spasm. Welcome it back and remember the smell of candy canes on the breath of a crisp December morning.

A Merry, Magical Christmas to you!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

marking time

the passing of time is marked in so many ways. ways that are exciting and heartbreaking at the same time. from first steps to setting off for solo adventures in the wide world, our children are pulling away from us in tiny increments from the moment they come into the world.

it's their job. our job is to make sure they're ready for each next step and encourage them to keep growing and pulling within the safe confines of our love and support. 

parenting is such a different journey with each child. this one - my baby - started kindergarten this year. he lost his first tooth last week. he's setting off down the trails blazed by his brother.

it's time to let go and gently release him into the wild. 

'come back! come back!' i silently scream.
'it's scary out there!'
'it's nice and safe here, in mama's arms.' 

but i must let him test the waters, gently nudging him back out when he clings too long.

he's a little boy now - no more baby.

stride boldly my boy - into all the beauties this world has to offer.
go and make magic happen!

seems like yesterday!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

summer's last hurrah

(disclaimer: this was supposed to be posted on labor day - then yesterday. i might have to fire the poster!)

tho here in austin, our neighborhood pool is open year-round, we can boat and swim well into september (and possibly october), and the kids will still get in the chilly creek with the floating fall leaves, labor day tends to mark the end of summer.

even with school starting before the sobering holiday, life feels a bit free-wheeling until you can no longer wear white without your aunt frannie reminding you that it's not done (i sure do miss you aunt frannie).

with the first official day of fall upon us, we are now fully plugged into our fall schedule - school, homework, martial arts, football, adventure club, talking incessently about halloween costumes, pumpkin planning, holiday schedules, plans and possible travel; crock pot dinner, picking out clothes, packing snacks, laying out gear the night before, 7:30 bed time - whew! there is something comforting and stable about the routine, even when the pace feels a bit frenetic.

it was not a graceful transition into school schedule, but having a day off to exhale and start fresh gave us all a much-needed break to take full advantage of the last gasp of summer 2015 - 'the best summer ever!'

we put the world on hold and spent the day lazing, eating, swimming, tubing, conquering fears and reconnecting with who we are, bathed in the frigid waters of lake austin.

it was a good day.

so long summer. see you next -- well, see you next summer!

welcome fall - 90 degrees and all!

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

no longer afraid

*photos from Bee Cave Sculpture Park where we created our own sculptures and discovered nature's sculpture (can you see the tiny bird egg?)

no longer afraid

she threw back her shoulders

and opened her mouth

and sang out loud and fierce.

it was terrible

and it was beautiful

because it was her own song.

she spread her wings

and flapped them a bit

to rid them of dust.

and she realized

she was no longer afraid.

she was no longer afraid.