i wish i could give you a glimpse of this beautiful, bright-eyed 5-yr-old who is so dear to my heart, but I cannot. legally, he is not mine, tho i soothe his hurts and celebrate his victories with him. legally he is not mine, tho i treat his fevers and rub his back at night to push away the nightmares. legally, he is not mine tho i agonize over what i can feed him that will nourish his growing body and that he will like. legally, he is not mine tho i cried his first morning in pre-k. he looked so small, marching off to school with his massive backpack drooping to his knees, so proud of himself. i love it when he is proud of himself. i love it when he finds positive things to say about himself. i love it when we are able to celebrate the wonder and beauty of him together, without his insecurities sneaking in, telling him that he is unlovely. perhaps that is what makes him so special to my heart. i know many of his demons well. they are the same voices that have dogged me my entire life.
legally, he is not mine, tho our minds and hearts work very much the same. legally he is not mine, tho i go to bed every night, worrying about how he and i can release our fears together and walk bravely into the unknown and embrace the experience - without trying to conform the world to our expectations and safety requirements.
the world seems to shrink around him as his clothes become too small, and his chair at the table shrinks. even i am beginning to shrink to allow his head to move up up up my side. it cannot be that he is growing this fast. i'm not ready for it. he will be tall. i can only hope that he will continue to grow and shrink my home, under my roof. i can only hope that his long legs will outgrow my bathtub and that as his voice begins to deepen in years to come, that mine will be the ears to hear that first croak of puberty.
my boy - he is 5 today.
his brother is 3. his, beautiful, funny, smart, passionate brother, who has no pretense about him turned 3 one month ago. at the time, i was in the throes of recovering from the holidays, recovering from bronchitis, caring for my sick big boy, planning and executing a 50th birthday party, and trying to enjoy my visiting family. we loved and celebrated his milestone surrounded by the warm blanket of family. every week, he is a different boy, with different needs. he is fearless and independent tho at times, he is still just a baby who needs a mommy and a daddy. during those times, as i hold him close to my heart that has become his, or when i watch my man patiently whispering calming words and soothing sounds, with a face full of no one but our tiny boy, i fancy that he truly is my boy and that this mess has gone away, to leave my family in peace.
my boy - he is 5 today. happy birthday my sweet boy! We love you mucho!